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Which Pope Am I?

Thinking of taking the reins in Vatican City? Wondering how your Papacy might pan out? Size up your Christian credentials by taking our exclusive personality test (Devised by Christina Martin)

Christina Martin

Pope on balcony Have you ever laid in bed at night wondering how you'd run the Catholic Church? Or do you have genuine ambitions of taking over in Vatican City? If so, you ought to try Which Pope Am I?, our all-new Papal personality test devised by Christina Martin, comedian, writer and creator of our hugely popular God Trumps cards. Now you can find out whether you're destined to reign with an iron fist, split the Church in two, save the world, or go down in history as just plain weird.

What is your typical daily routine?
1. Get up, sexually abuse my children, have breakfast, murder my mother for the inheritance, have lunch, kill any priests or bishops who disagree with my decrees, have dinner and then advocate the keeping of slaves. Then bedtime
2. Venting my irritation at the general incompetence of my predecessor Pope Formosus. And eventually getting so wound up that I exhume his corpse, dress it in the papal vestments, find it guilty, mutilate it and throw it into the Tiber
3. Claiming to be the Pope. Despite all the evidence to the contrary
4. Suffering from gout before dying suddenly
5. I’m a fisherman by trade, so I do a bit of that when I can. But since Jesus gave me a job I’ve been busy working for him
How would you describe yourself? Or how would others describe you?
1. I’ve been called “a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest” which is a bit harsh I think. When you take away the cannibalism, the bestiality (and the killing of the animals afterwards), the sodomy of children (and the killing of the child afterwards), the ritual human sacrifices by fire, and all the times I got priests to hide along the roads leading to Rome in order to rob pilgrims of their wealth and sometimes capture their children for sacrifice. When you take away all of that, I’m basically nice
2. I don't like gay people. But I do love cats
3. I would describe myself as the Pope. Others would not
4. Not a proper Pope apparently. As though I could help dying three days after being elected!
5. Far be it from me to boast, but I’ve been called ‘the last great Pope’, my nickname is ‘great’ and I’ve been made a Saint
What has been the highlight of your career?
1. Launching the first ever crusade and kicking off hundreds of years of violence
2. Getting the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven. Yes, they have a door, and a lock. It’s almost as though the idea of Heaven was a human construct…
3. Becoming Pope. Because that IS what I am okay? Causing a massive schism comes a close second
4. During my short reign I enforced the world’s first known public smoking ban. I threatened to excommunicate anyone who "took tobacco in the porch way of or inside a church, whether it be by chewing it, smoking it with a pipe or sniffing it in powdered form through the nose" I was way ahead of the Labour government on that issue
5. Single-handedly ending Communist rule in my native Poland and all of Eastern Europe. Yeah, not bad eh?
Said or decreed anything questionable lately?
1. I may have described Jew’s as "dogs who bark in the street" or something to that effect
2. You mean, apart from briefly reinstating a Holocaust denying bishop?
3. I decree plenty, but does anyone listen?
4. Nope nothing. Literally nothing at all
5. I have the usual Papal prejudices (condoms, women priests) but that’s to be expected. Aside from that I haven’t caused any outrage really
Have you made any mistakes during your reign?
1. I call Papal infallibility!
2. I call Papal infallibility!
3. I call Papal infallibility!
4. I call Papal infallibility!
5. I call Papal infallibility!
Where do you stand on matters of a sexual nature?
1. If there’s an orgy taking place, that’s where I’ll be standing
2. Sex is fine, as long as there are no condoms involved. Having said that I did recently issue a special dispensation on this issue. You can now use a condom if one of you already has AIDS. I hold no truck with logic
3. I’m too busy withstanding a siege to think about such things. A load of my Bishops have turned against me, agreeing with the other side that I’m not the real Pope. Unbelievable!
4. I’m too dead for that sort of thing
5. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m a Saint and accordingly as flat as a Ken doll down there
What’s your attitude towards Islam?
1. I haven’t always been on the best of terms with the Muslims. Especially since I started an entire Crusade against them
2. Oh here we go again! Look, my speech was taken out of context. All I said was; “Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached”. I meant well
3. I expend most of my energies on arguing with those other Catholics back in Rome. No time to take on the Muslims as well
4. I haven’t had enough time to form one I’m afraid
5. Sorry, I’ve not heard of it. I died in 64AD, 578 years before it was invented
What will you say to Jesus when you meet Him in Heaven?
1. Oh no, busted!
2. What do you mean I made a fool of you by association?
3. So, was I right or was I right?
4. Oh what? I’m dead already?
5. Well hello again! Sorry about denying you by the way
What’s your motto?
1. I call Papal infallibility!
2. I call Papal infallibility!
3. I call Papal infallibility!
4. I call Papal infallibility!
5. I call Papal infallibility!
And finally, an important one this – what is your favourite ice cream flavour?
1. Chocolate
2. Raspberry Ripple
3. Vanilla
4. Strawberry
5. Tutti Frutti

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Growing up godless: by Catie Wilkins
God Trumps Part I: by Christina Martin
What kind of humanist are you?: by Editorial Staff
Nine Lessons and Carols for Godless People: by Robin Ince
God Trumps Part II: by Christina Martin

Which Pope Am I?

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