What kind of humanist are you?

1) During your summer holiday you visit a fine example of a mediaeval cathedral. Your reaction is:

You are filled with awe at the spiritual power of the majestic structure — despite your lack of belief you can't help responding.

You admire the architectural brilliance, paying particular homage to the unusual cupola and cunning construction of rafters.

You are disgusted by the vulgar display of conspicuous waste — the whole edifice symbolises the oppression of its congregants.

You are moved by the human genius that could create such beauty.

One look at the beatific icons and saintly stained glass parables and you're out of there before you are violently sick.

2) What is your attitude to the recent visit to London of the Muslim cleric Yusuf al–Qaradawi?

You accept it because you believe in free speech and open debate.

You condemn it because of his illiberal and anti–Semitic views.

You welcome it, because you support the Palestinian cause and believe his views are justifiable as legitimate interpretation of the Koran.

You're against it. You don't like clerics, you don't like Islam, and you think there are enough fundamentalist fanatics in the UK already, thanks very much.

3) Tony Blair has denounced the "1960s liberal consensus on law and order", claiming it is responsible for the demise in civic duty and respect. What is your reaction?

The 1960s was a decade of original and empowering change. Yes, we had fun but we were also charged with a strong public conscience and were out to change the world. He's chosen the wrong scapegoat. Look instead to Thatcher.

Tend to agree with him. All that hippy nonsense, drugs and music and flowery clothes, distracted from serious politics and debate.

The freedom movement of the 1960s began well but disintegrated from personal expression into selfishness and from liberation to laissez faire. He's right to an extent — it's time to restore a sense of duty and discipline.

The decade heralded some fantastic advances but also made way for some unbelievably silly cults and bogus religions including those followed by Blair himself. If we denounce the 60s we should also denounce New Labour — crystal balls, rune stones, primal screams and all.

Can't remember

4) Was the French government right to ban the hijab and other religious symbolic dress in schools?

No, because freedom of expression is the most basic characteristic of a democratic and progressive state.

Yes, because France is asserting its hard–won position as a secular state.

Yes because loyalty to France must come before loyalty to religious or cultural identity.

No because it will just encourage xenophobia among the wider population and will probably give Muslim patriarchs the excuse to prevent their girls from ever leaving the house.

5) Which of the following statements best defines your philosophy?

"I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it." (Albert Einstein)

"The philosophy of atheism represents a concept of life without any metaphysical Beyond or divine regulator. It is the concept of an actual, real world with its liberating, expanding and beautifying possibilities, as against an unreal world which, with its spirits, oracles, and mean contentment has kept humanity in helpless degradation." (Emma Goldman)

"From the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely, the production of the higher animals, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved." (Charles Darwin)

"Divinity is the chief raw material out of which gods have been fashioned. Today we must melt down the gods and refashion the material into new and effective organs of religion, enabling man to exist freely and fully on the spiritual level as well as on the material." (Julian Huxley)

"Religion is the opiate of the people." (Karl Marx)

6) Your partner of 25 years announces that he/she has returned to his/her faith and will now be going to Mass every Sunday. You:

Assume this to be a joke, an illness or a cover for an adulterous affair. Whatever happens you won't believe it can be serious.

Try to reason. Failing that, agree not to talk about it.

Accept it. There's a lot to be said for the comfort of ritual and belonging, even if you don't seek it for yourself.

Kick him/her out and change the locks.

7) What is the worst thing a new date could say to you?

What's your star sign?

I'm not a racist. I just think we're too soft on asylum seekers.

I'm all for equal rights but feminism's gone too far. Women don't want to be like men.

And round our way we have an excellent vicar.

I'm allergic to wheat, raw onions, red wine and dairy — and I can't eat anything with eyes.

8) When you die, what will happen to your body?

Like Vanessa Feltz, you will have your ashes scattered in the local shopping mall to ensure that your children will visit your grave.

Have the parts donated to science.

Be buried in the family plot in the church graveyard. Just in case.

Have yourself frozen by cryonics, a near death experience that should settle once and for all any doubts about the afterlife. Then when you're revived you can tell the verified truth.

9) Which of these comes closest to your ideal summer holiday?

A Spartan croft in the Highlands with as few amenities as possible.

A big house with a pool in Tuscany, full of friends and family.

Spending spree in New York followed by a week in the Hamptons.

Following Darwin's route round the Galapagos Islands in a tall ship.

Catching up with work and chores at home.

Five–star hotel on Antigua.

10) When you dream of the perfect garden, which of these styles most appeals to you?

"Profusion, even extravagance and exuberance within the confines of the utmost linear severity", wrote Vita Sackville West. At Sissinghurst, her vistas of dazzling colour are balanced by Harold Nicholson's geometric designs for each delineated area.

Something created out of and perfectly in keeping with its natural surroundings, such as Derek Jarman's garden in Dungeness, which is built out of sand dunes and incorporates debris from the beach.

Precise arrangements of single colours, along the lines of the herbaceous borders of Gertrude Jekyll who, adapting embroidery and painterly techniques to her highly–orchestrated designs, would go for a dominant colour like gold but with varying textures and shades.

No flowers, no shrubs, no fancy colours without usefulness. A garden devoted to self sufficiency and sustenance, rich with berries and fruits, vegetables and herbs.

Like the fabulously deceptive creations of the great landscape gardener Capability Brown, it will speak of wild, untrammelled nature. But, like him, you will have to apply meticulous discipline to maintain the illusion of freedom.

Stones and pebbles arranged in pleasing and minimalist harmony to create an oriental atmosphere of peace and meditation.

11) You are dismayed to discover that your child is going to be in the nativity play and, even worse, you have to make the costume. You:

Write a note saying that as an atheist you cannot allow her to take part.

Write a note saying that sadly your family will be on holiday in Dubai that week.

Give in and stitch those gossamer wings. You can't allow your views to jeopardise your child's happiness.

Make a really cool devil's costume complete with horns, fork and nasty bile.

12) Your partner, who is Jewish, wishes to have your baby boy circumcised. You:

Go along with it provided it's done in hospital and not by a scary bearded guy with a knife. Hey, he'll probably have a better sex life and thank you for it.

Refuse. It's not natural.

Race to the Internet to find evidence that the child will be healthier, less likely to pass on cervical cancer, and better able to relate to his heritage.

Refuse. You will not sanction the mutilation of a child for outmoded and barbaric reasons.