I think if I wasn’t in the UK, with space from family and the community, it’s possible that I might not be an atheist. If I was in Nigeria, I’m not sure I would have been able to make that decision.
I’ve always thought about religion since I was very young. I’ve always asked questions. I was a bit confused about some of the things I was brought up with, and I remember always asking my dad a lot of questions and it was only when I came to the UK that I had the space to enquire more. I did continue with religion when I came to the UK but it was on and off. I joined the Nigerian religious communities in the UK. Religion is not just about going to church and about faith. It’s a complete lifestyle from when you wake up to when you go to bed – it influences what job you get, your education, everything.
In Nigeria, if you are from a Christian family everyone that you would know, most likely, or that your parents would know or that your relatives would know, all your network, would be Christian. So if you are not a Christian, or if you are an atheist, you are seen as like the devil, and you are worse than witches. We are a very superstitious society and people would not want you in their environment because they would think you are going to bring evil upon them. If you get to the point that you are a disbeliever in Nigeria, you are going to find yourself in a very, very difficult situation, you will be ostracised from the community.
People that know me, they know that I’ve always been honest, I cannot not be myself and I cannot be religious to make people happy. I’m just grateful that I’m in a society that allows me to be free. And I feel sad that people in several communities cannot even start that journey to be free.
When I left religion, when I made that decision, I felt so vulnerable. I was alone, and I was really fearful because of what religion had been to me all my life. People don’t like it when I say this, but it is my own truth – religion was a cosy safety net for me, it was like cotton wool, my life was safe in it. If I had any fear, you know, I could go to God, to ask for protection, to ask for whatever I wanted, you know, that’s the idea of religion. And then when you decide that there is no God, how do I deal with all my life’s issues, fears, anxieties, concerns, insecurities, everything? If I’m going to be honest, I did have a period when I went into depression. I was on my own.
When I made the decision, when I knew that I was an atheist, I went through a period of depression, I went through a period when I felt alone, and I didn’t know how I was going to continue my journey as an atheist. But thankfully, through the internet, I started finding groups of people and individuals and I found support, and a new world opened to me.
We are just like other human beings, we need other people, because there is power in having that community and being able to help other people. Slowly I started connecting with other atheists in the UK and in other parts of the world and that connection with other like-minded people has really changed my mind and brought me confidence, and opened a whole joyful world to me as an atheist. I started learning different things, and I’m still learning. And it’s like the world of knowledge is endless and I want to know more because with religion, religion dictates how you should perceive, it dictates your insights, so it blinds you.
If you are a typical Nigerian Christian, for example, the church has a timetable for you, you don’t have the space to do other things. You have prayer meeting on a certain day, if you are a member of the choir you go for choir practice, your week is planned, and all your friends are in the church. When I became an atheist I discovered science, theatre, music, literature, going to museums, appreciating nature. I’m sure I don’t understand nature like a university professor, but I have a new appreciation of it: landscapes, earthquakes, continental drift, all of that. I’m like a little girl in a candy shop. And because of the endlessness of knowledge, I know that there are lots of things in the future, and the future seems bright and joyful, rather than this narrow living with just one book.
As told to Alom Shaha
