Four billion years from now, the galaxy Andromeda is expected to collide with our own Milky Way, obliterating all with which we are familiar in our region of the universe. Having foolishly spent some time ingesting news coverage of the birth of the royal baby this morning, I can't help feeling that this event can't come quickly enough.
Let me get the disclaimers out of the way - some people had a baby, good for them, I don't wish them any harm, etc. But as a republican, it's hard not to feel utterly defeated amid all the pro-monarchy hysteria.
Frankly, the last three years have been a rout. While I'm not for one moment comparing the Windsors with Nazi Germany (we can't let one dodgy great uncle and his mistress tar a whole family), being a republican today feels a bit like being Great Britain in the summer of 1940. They invaded Poland with the royal wedding in 2011, swept through the Low Countries with the Jubilee last year, and crushed France yesterday with the royal birth. For republicans, the arrival of this prince is our Dunkirk - we're utterly defeated, and all we can do now is regroup and bide our time.
The problem with republicanism is it's based on rationality and common sense, and it's hard to make the case for it in the face of emotion, tradition and the status quo. With support for the royals standing at well over 50 per cent, those of us who would rejoice if the monarchy ended tomorrow need to accept that for now republicanism is a lost cause. The Windsors are here to stay, and perhaps the best way to deal with it is to acknowledge that, on the grand scale of national and global problems, a largely powerless monarchy is probably something we can live with.
But if we are going to live with it, there is something I'd quite like royalists to make their minds up on. Take the birth of this baby - are we witnessing mass hysteria because people believe this prince is their superior by blood, born to reign over them, or because his birth is the latest dramatic installment of a hit celebrity reality soap?
If it's the former, then those who think that should really take a long, hard look at their world views in this, the second decade of the 21st century. If it's the latter, fair enough, but people should really just be honest about it. The American newscasters camped outside the hospital may have spent the past week taking 24-hour news to it's inane natural conclusion, but at least they recognise the royals for what they really are, which is basically a very posh version of the Beckhams or the Kardashians. They're happy to gawp at the spectacle of it all, but they don't for one moment think that monarchy is a sensible component of a political structure.
What we get with the Windsors is the world's most expensive taxpayer-funded reality show. I don't watch most of the BBC shows that I pay for via my licence fee, and I don't want to watch the Windsors either, but if other people want to then that's their choice. However, they should really demand more access for our money. Is it really fair that the TV cameras had to wait outside the hospital, when Kate was inside giving birth on our dollar? Of course, I'm not personally condoning the idea of a live royal birth cam, but surely it's the logical end point for this kind of spectacle.
But really these are just the ramblings of a bitter and defeated republican. I may think monarchist hysteria is idiotic, but I have to admit that on this occasion idiocy has won the day. All I can really do now is bury my head in the sand and wait for Andromeda to collide with the Milky Way, or for the Windsors to overstretch themselves and figuratively invade Russia by placing Prince Charles on the throne. Whichever comes first, really.
