An interview with Twitter’s greatest Islamic spokesperson @KingofDawah
Is @KingofDawah the most important defender of Islamic values on social media, or a self-important moralistic windbag? Alom Shaha finds out
[Editor's warning: This is an interview with a parody Twitter account. It shows just how far the standards of journalism have fallen that we'd even consider publishing such a thing, but there you are, it's your own fault we're in this mess, probably. It is meant for entertainment only. Anything you may actually learn from it is a completely unintended side-effect, for which we take no responsibility. May contain jokes and satire. (But no promises).]
Introduction by Alom Shaha
I’m an atheist humanist, and I used to be a Muslim, but reading the tweets of @KingofDawah has made me question whether I might be mistaken in rejecting Islam. His incisive logic is hard to argue with and he regularly makes me see how pathetic, arrogant, and, most importantly, Islamophobic it is to ignore the teachings of great minds like his. @KingofDawah, in his endless kindness, and as part of his ongoing interfaith work, agreed to answer a few of my questions and has most generously allowed me to share his wisdom with readers of this blog...
For readers who may not know, please explain what "dawah" means
I note the hostile shark with hunger for the flesh of an Islamic scholar swimming beneath your question.
Nevertheless, I will answer it.
Many Orientalists describe Da’wah as proselytising in the cause of Islam. However this indicates a clear hostility towards Islam, because it suggests that Da’wah is an effort akin to a dodgy second hand car salesman, boasting that they are the fastest growing second hand car dealership in Coventry, whilst covering up the rusty chassis and broken engine with claims that the car they are selling is in fact, a spaceship of incredible throbbing invincibility.
No! That is Dawahphobia of the most genocidal kind motivated by neo-colonial constructs and prejudices.
Da’wah is actually the benign diagnosing of the ailment of not being Muslim, and the administering of injections and medicine in order to save sick people from their ignorance and disbelief.
We do this by performing an enema for the constipation of liberal secularism, and helping the blind see how to escape the filth and necrophilia of British life. This leads to tolerance and pluralism.
What qualifies you to be a spokesperson for Islam?
What qualifies YOU to be a spokesperson for people who want to know what qualifies me to be a spokesperson for Islam?
Already I can see this interview degenerating into Orientalist double standards and persecution. Humanist physician, heal thyself!
Your questions remind me of something that Galileo, that notorious plagiarist of Islamic science who was killed by Humanist-Christian bigotry said: “I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him”.
So, in this spirit, I will continue with this interview.
Do you have a real job?
I have extensive jobs with lots of references available from my friends that can be seen by referring you to my extensive experience working in civil rights at the frontline of human civilisation, tolerance, diversity and pluralism.
And as my intellectual ancestor, the proto-Islamic Greek philosopher Aristotle said, “All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind”.
So my main job is promoting tolerance by being the scourge of liberal orientalists who seek to prevent me doing my job. Which is making Da’wah, attending Inter-faith conferences, speaking about tolerance and via all these methods, spreading Islam, which is another word for "The Best".
What do you see as your most important role in life?
Fighting against the moral crisis caused by the viruses of so-called secularism, so-called liberalism, so-called humanism and so-called lesbianism.
Promoting Da’wah to cleanse Britain of its doubts and promote tolerance, pluralism and diversity, by preventing all the vices of cosmopolitanism.
Which can only be achieved by promoting multiculturalism. Until we can dismantle it.
As Travis Bickle says in the subliminally Islamic movie Taxi Driver, ‘Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets”
Please give us some examples of your work as a gay rights spokesperson and civil rights leader.
I’ve been working for the rights of homosexuals for so long people have forgotten my contribution to this field, which is why many people deny my track record, feeling threatened in a Dawahphobic fashion by an Islamic community leader being responsible for gay liberation.
The most important thing to state is that "rights" in Islam have a different meaning from the essentially racist conception of "rights" in the West. Islam does not discriminate against gays, because just like everyone else, gays can revert to Islam and be salvaged from the wreckage of their moral, spiritual and social car crash.
Therefore the most important Human Right, the right to convert to Islam, is available to gays as much as normal people, thus making Islam tolerant.
The main thing is that gays must trust me to speak on their behalf so that their so-called oppression can be put in its real perspective – as trivial compared to the oppression of religious scholars and community leaders like me.
On a wider note, the white revert to Islam Khadija Burlington Smythe and I have been working on expanding the definition of Islamophobia away from the Islamophobic anti-Islamophobia experts who claim a very narrow definition of it.
We ask the most important civil rights question since Shylock made his "Hath not a Jew eyes" speech at a Venetian Inter-Faith conference – which was a key moment in European diversity-training.
That question is – “Is a refusal to convert to Islam once you have been invited to do so a form of Islamophobia?”
And the answer to that question is, of course, "yes".
Neo-Orientalist racism takes the form of rejecting by devious and sinister denials what is defined by its nature as the absolute and only truth. Doing so is therefore victimising the giver of Da’wah and we must assume a hate crime is taking place regardless of what excuses they give. It therefore protects the victim and rightly places the burden of proof on the rejecter of Da’wah to prove that they are not prejudiced in rejecting Islam through racist malice.
It will be a victory for pluralism, diversity and tolerance.
Because tolerating the rejection of what is offered in good faith about our faith is truly a form of hatefulness against Community Leaders.
For peace in Britain, we must act against the new manifestation of Dawahphobia – the evil of REJECTIONISM
Who are more Islamophobic - the English Defence League or ex-Muslims?
Very little difference. But in the long term, morally speaking ex-Muslims are worse, because they perpetuate negative stereotypes of Islam by provoking Muslims to persecute them.
Who are your role models?
Once again, an Islamophobic poltergeist spooks your question.
You should be asking, who views me as a role model, and then the answer becomes infinite.
To have role models would suggest I do not already possess the knowledge and acuity to rescue Britain from its direful situation, meaning Islam does not provide me with the answers to everything, which contradicts what we believe, and is therefore another example of the virulent Dawahphobia that is fomenting pre-genocidal 1930’s Germany style conditions here in England.
Although if you insist on an answer, I certainly belong in the tradition and magnitude of William Wilberforce and Emmeline Pankhurst.
What single message would you like to give readers of this site?
Just behave yourselves. Stop being so arrogant. Calm down. Stop persecuting us. Take responsibility for the immoral orgy of moral confusion you are handmaidens to. Have some shame. It’s your entire fault. But most of all, help me find a publisher for my book – “The Medina Carta – a New Magna Carta for Britain in the 21st Century”. I will leave you with the opening lines for you to ponder on, in the hope that it shall awaken you from your moral idiocy:
Britain in the year 2013. Adrift in a sea of low sperm counts caused by secularism and humanist nudity. Non-Islamic feminism has eaten the legs of society and Britain crawls on stumps. Anti-faith bigotry builds a bonfire to roast believers like Henry VIII roasted pigs with an apple stuck its mouth.
What can rescue Britain from the moral abattoir it has become?
Of course we need more tolerance and diversity. But how can we achieve this when Britain has no tradition of free-thinking and science? The answer is to re-write the flawed Magna Carta for our new century. To create the new Medina Carta – a new book of rights for broken, sodomised Britain. A book of rights founded on the basis of Britain’s original religion – Islam.
But only if we act now, before it’s too late!
For more of this nonsense follow @KingofDawah on Twitter